


Nine circles of stupid

by Steena



Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Arguing, Dirty Jokes, Drinking, Frottage, Guardian - Freeform, Humor, Loneliness, Mentioned Voyeurism, Mentions of mech interfacing with insentient tractor, Minor Violence, Protective Custody, Revealing each other's dirty secrets, Sparkmates, Swearing, mentioned masturbation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2019-08-19 22:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16543106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steena/pseuds/Steena
Summary: Why the hell did she need a guardian?No, scratch that, why did she need this particular guardian?!A drabble dump, since I probably won't be able to finish this as a full length fic, but I enjoyed writing it too much to just delete what I had already written. Mikaela and Crosshairs are really sparkmates, according to the Matrix, they're the pair who will end the war (or start the apocalypse, if they don't come together)  That's what made Optimus appoint Crosshairs as her guardian.But sometimes, love starts with fighting, and everything isn't smooth sailing. Ridiculousness, dirty jokes and drinking ensues...





	1. Chapter 1

There's nine circles of stupid.  _Wasn't there? She thought she vaguely remembered something like that from some literature class in school or something._  

And then, there's  _Crosshairs_.

Mikaela realized that he was in a whole different ball park the first time she met him.

Rude, crude, human hating, self serving  _bastard_. His seriously sweet alt mode did absolutely  _nothing_  to make him more tolerable. He kind of reminded her of Trent, actually. Good looks that just wasn't enough to make up for the IQ of an unusually stupid donkey and an  _ugly_  personality.

_And_ he  _was her appointed guardian. Marvelous._

Lennox got Ironhide, the Weapons specialist abrasive in his own way, but at least he wasn't just a straight up fucking _pain in the ass._  She liked Ironhide, always bluntly honest and straight to the point.

_She could've gotten Ratchet_. He had trained her in basic repairs for frags sake. Why not make her his apprentice/charge? Two flies in one swat. Or something like that.

Sam and Bumblebee were already decided, of course. Nothing to discuss there. Case closed.

_And therein lied her problem_. 

Crosshairs and Bumblebee did  _not_  get along. Just like her and Sam, since their breakup, really. And she had abandoned ship and left the Autobots to their own devices, had started a normal life.  _Without alien robots and geeky boys, and she was was doing just fine..._

Then Nitro Zeus and Mohawk came snooping around, trying to lure, coax, kidnap and, when that failed _,_  flat out seduce her to the dark side that was the Decepticon cause. The debacle made it painfully obvious to the Autobots that they couldn't just drop her,  _like Sam had_ , if they didn't want complications of the fleshier kind. So she became the convenient solution for the discord in their own group.

Shortly: dump the glitch on the bitch  _least_  likely to hang around Sam and his guardian more than absolutely necessary, and "give them some  _space_ ". 

Which was  _really_  code for "strand them in a junkyard in Bumfuck, Nowhere, call it  _protective custody_  and look away  _before_  something explodes so you can claim ignorance of the domestic dispute."

So, here they were. 

In the beginning, they mainly stayed away from each other on the opposite ends of the lot, and it was tolerable. 

_No it wasn't. It was boring and lonely and she hated it._   _She seriously needed a friend._

While she was a mechanic; in her element in a junkyard, able to keep herself busy,  _as busy as possible when stranded with a rather hostile alien,_  tinkering on a few useless projects, after a while things tend to get...  _weird_  if you are alone too much. 

Like, you start talking to the cars you're stripping for parts, and the toaster when it's having a bad day, burning all the toast and pour  _way_  too much rum in your cola. They say that if you drink rum before 10:00 am you're not an alcoholic, you're a pirate. Well, Mikaela was well on her way to becoming 'Captain Junkyard'.  _She just needed a parrot._

_Crosshairs had the right color scheme, and the mouth of a parrot that had been around sailors for far too long... And he_ almost _reached the intelligence level of a parrot. Sometimes, he used_ tools.

She told him so. Then she wisely ran. The sad remains of an old Mitsubishi Colt came flying over her head, bowling away several other wrecks.

"You're  _insane_! You're supposed to keep me alive!" She yelled.

"I didn't come to this wretched planet to  _babysit_  a mouthy fucking  _squishy_!" He shouted back.

"I didn't ask for  _you_  to be my guardian! In fact, I didn't ask for a guardian at all, that was Optimus' idea! Don't blame fucking _me!"_

"I haven't, and never wouldI  _ever_  fuck  _you_!" He snarled.

" _Good_! I wouldn't even poke you with a  _stick_!"

"Actually, mine is more of a  _pole_!" He sneered, pretending to jerk off a ridiculously sized spike with both his servos and throwing his load on her.

"Fucking pig!" She screamed indignantly.

"Pig, human... All organics! All disgusting, squishy things full of  _goo_! The lot of you!"

"Like you're so much better! Did you think I didn't know about that little _leak_ of yours?! Talk about disgusting glop." Mikaela sneered.

"Frag off!" He roared.

"Oh, ho  _ho_! What's the matter, run out of arguments?! I've seen  _a Decepticon_ hold his own longer in a verbal standoff." Mikaela smirked victoriously.

She heard the telltale whining of a gun charging and didn't stick around to see if he'd have the guts to use it.

 

Mikaela-Crosshairs 1-0

_So much for making friends._..


	2. Chapter 2

"Eeeek!"

Mikaela ran for her life, bursting through the door of her trailer, towel hanging haphazardly around her naked body, screaming bloody murder.

Crosshairs skidded to a halt next to her, transforming quickly, guns at the ready.

"What's the matter, squish? Decepticon in your dwelling?"

"No! Spiders  _all over_  in the shower." She shuddered.

"Noo. How would that ever happen?"

_He sounded too smug._ She turned slowly, narrowing her eyes.

He looked _very_  smug. And she suddenly remembered the state she was in. _Naked, except a towel. Soaking wet, from the shower she had been halfway through when she realized every single spider in the junkyard seemed to have move into the tiny bathroom. And he drifted up to her, spraying her with as much dirt as possible really, making her less clean now than before her half finished shower._

"It was  _you_ , wasn't it?!" She snarled.

" _Please_. Why would I do something like that? I hardly want to see your pale aft more than I need to. And look, my scramble here,  _in case my screaming charge was in danger,_  made my plating all dusty. All for nothing." 

_He was definitely too smug._

"Fuck you!" She growled, stomping inside.

"You wish!"

"If I want intercourse with something  _green_ , I'd rather stick a cucumber up my pussy!" She turned around to scream at him from the doorway.

"Again?"

"How did you kn...  _No_! I've never... _Shut up_!"

He was howling with laughter and it didn't get better when she stomped straight into the shower in her anger, forgetting to check the water temperature.  _It was freezing by now, the hot water having run out while they were arguing._  Mikaela squealed loudly. Judging by the thud from outside, her guardian fell over laughing at her.

 

 

Mikaela-Crosshairs 1-1

 

_Nope, not friends_.


	3. Chapter 3

They were summoned back to base. She was relieved. Apparently, Ironhide had decided that Mikaela needed to learn how to shoot. The  _Sniper_ posted as her guardian should be able to handle that, one would think, but Mikaela wasn't much for popping the hood of a gift car. She was among _people_. And other Bots. Bots that  _liked_  her.

Like Wheelie.

"Ooh! Welcome back, beautiful Warrior Goddess!" He attached himself to her leg. 

_As usual._  This had become their normal interaction, as weird as it may seem.  _It felt nice to have someone worship her. She could grant him some leniency._

"Ah, I... oh, I have missed  _you_." The minicon moaned, rubbing against her calf.

"Missed you too, Wheelie."

It was true. He was kind of funny, he  _worshipped_  her. A little on the horny side, but no worse than any teenage boy she'd ever met. And he was always honest about his intentions.  _Maybe she should try dating him? It couldn't be worse than anybody else she'd dated so far..._

"Eew, get off her, you little  _freak_!"

Crosshairs came up to them with a disgusted sneer on his faceplates.

"No, it's fine." Mikaela waved him off.

"It's fine? It's  _fine?!_  He's  _fragging_  with your  _leg_!"

"Don't worry, I intend to get off! Oh, and sweet baby Primus is it  _good_!" Wheelie groaned.

"Are you just going to stand there and allow him to do that?" Crosshairs hissed to Mikaela.

"Yes? Why not?" She deadpanned.

"Because it's _disgusting_! You're whoring your _leg_  out to an overclocked minicon!"

"Well, he told me he loved me..."

Crosshairs made a face.

"Besides, I'm not getting paid, so I'm definitely not "whoring" myself out. He likes it, I don't mind... At least  _someone_ is getting off, because I sure as hell ain't getting any stuck out in the desert with  _you_."

Get off was exactly what Wheelie did in that moment, sticky and slick fluid coating her bare calf. Crosshairs gagged.

"Thank you, Warrior Goddess!" Wheelie breathed reverently.

"Any time, Wheelie. You know what, let's see if we can take this to another level tonight. Invite Brains too." She smiled at the minicon, who squealed in delight.

"What about that pink rabbit thingy you frag all the time? Gonna cheat on that?" Crosshairs sounded pissed for some reason and was clearly out to humiliate her.

Mikaela growled in frustration and mortification. _The fragging Bot was bored, saw through her walls and as a result knew_ everything _she did._ But that didn't really matter, since he frequently had his holoform rummage through her stuff anyway, finding all things she had once considered her secret girly stuff. _The time she found him "scouting for Cons" in her underwear drawer..._

"What about it? At least  _I'm_  not the one who got my _spike_ stuck in the hydraulic coupling of a fricking _John Deere_."

Drift fell over laughing as Crosshairs' face turned pink.

"How was I supposed to know there was a tiny _locking mechanism_ on it?!" Crosshairs growled.

Drift was holding his ventral plating by now, rolling around in pain from his laughter.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't run around fucking _unexpecting machinery_ without asking? It's not like I _wanted_ to get in there and help you disengage. _Eew_." She snarked.

"You touched his spike, Warrior Goddess?" Wheelie sounded awed.

"Well I had to. He just wouldn't shut up when he was still stuck. It was _impossible_ to sleep through that racket, believe me. And I was a little worried that the farmer would show up..."

Ratchet facepalmed, Optimus blew out a sharp exvent, Drift was close to reboot out of oxygen deprivation.

"Can you touch my spike too? Tonight? _Please_ , mighty Warrior Goddess!"

Crosshairs growled, guns onlining. He turned his blaster on the minicon.

"You're _not_ going to explore interspecies _relations_ with my god-damned charge tonight!"

Wheelie squeaked and hid behind Mikaela. She raised an eyebrow at the irate bot.

"You mean you think it's better if I take a cucumber and pretend it's _you_ instead?" She started touching her breasts undulating as if riding... _some_ bot. "Ah, _Crosshairs_! It's a good thing you're long, considering how _slim_ you are. _Gyrate_ , baby, I can't feel you in me." She moaned.

Crosshairs sputtered indignantly.

"No! Why would I... I'm thicker than a cucumber!"

"No, you're not."

Drift made a dying noise, Ratchet hid his face in his servos and shook his helm in exasperation and Optimus sighed deeply.

 

 

Mikaela-Crosshairs 2-1

_Still not friends._


	4. Chapter 4

Shooting stuff was fun. Mikaela wasn't really all that good at it, but she enjoyed her lessons with Ironhide. He was a good tutor and funny,  _in his own gruff way_ , at that.

"You are improving." He praised her.

"I don't know. I try but it's so hard." She blushed at his praise.

"I thought you liked hard things." Crosshairs leered.

He had walked into the shooting range without her noticing when she was focused on shooting.

"I do. Very much That's why I don't likeyou _,_   _limp-spike_."

"Maybe I'd  _get_  hard if I wasn't stuck in the desert with a scrawny, fragging  _organic._ " He sneered.

"Isn't gonna be any fragging with the organic." She spat.

"Lame comeback.  _Twit._ "

"Twat." She mimicked his accent.

"You're the one with a twat."

"I have one, you  _are_  one.  _Big_  difference"

He flipped her off and aimed at the target she had been using, still holding eye to optic contact with Mikaela, making four bullseye shots in quick succession. She glared back and forth between the Bot and the target, thinking that if there had been any justice at all in the universe, he would've missed.

But of course he didn't, the next four hit with perfect aim too.

" _You_  really should be able to aim like this, come to think of it. I mean, you're  _obviously_  capable of aiming something as small as a minicon spike into your  _twat_..." He sneered. "But maybe that's because you're so loose, it's like hitting the ocean from a boat."

Mikaela made an affronted noise, gaping disbelievingly, for once too shocked to make a snappy comeback. Crosshairs smirked victoriously at her flabbergasted staring.

"Or do they rather take you in that gaping intake of yours?" Crosshairs smirk widened to a nasty grin. "Maybe the only way to  _shut you up_? Maybe  _I_  should try that the next time you're yapping about something..."

"My mouth isn't free to just use for anyone who feels like it!" She snarled indignantly.

"Of  _course_  not! But I mean, who would need to force you? Just whip a cock out in front of you, and you throw yourself at it..." Crosshairs opened his intake and pumped his servo against it as if he was sucking spike.

"And still you're whining about not  _getting_   _anything_ because I wouldn't get anywhere  _near_  your little cable. I've seen minicon spikes bigger than yours!" She made a disgusted face.

"I bet you've seen a lot of those. So, do you swallow, or do they shot you in the face?" He rubbed his chin in a mocking of thoughtfulness, then he grinned wickedly. "Ah, so  _that's_  why your hair gets so greasy. I just thought you weren't that concerned with hygiene. Pray tell, is it equally bad 'downstairs'?" He sniffed exaggeratedly. "Ah, no  _douching_ , I gather. I always wondered why I could smell fish in the middle of the desert all the time. Well, I guess now I know."

Mikaela heard her own gun powering up before she realized that she had activated it.

"That's enough!" Ironhide barked, holding her gun down.

 

 

Mikaela-Crosshairs 2-2 

 

_Definitely not friends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And for anyone curious about that locking mechanism Mikaela had to disengage to free Crosshairs of the hydraulic coupling of that poor tractor, I've made a video clip I'll be posting on my Tumblr. It's very sexy. XD I'm Steena82 if you haven't already found me there.


	5. Chapter 5

They had a group training session. The guardians paired with their charges. Team Mikaela/Crosshairs...  _Weeeell_...  _Define team?_

They did  _not_  work well together. She didn't meet his standards at shooting and she considered his driving too bad to even make it past getting a license. They blamed each other for their defeat, a defeat that was extra bitter to swallow because Mikaela wanted to get one over Sam at least as badly as Crosshairs wanted to beat Bumblebee.

"If you weren't so  _shitty_  with a gun, we would've won!" He snarled at her.

The officers heaved a collective sigh. Optimus Prime actually rolled his optics.  _There they went again._  Drift brought out the popped energon kernels he had subspaced for just an occasion like this. It happened frequently since Crosshairs and Mikaela joined the ranks.

"I might have had an honest _chance_  to hit  _something_  if you hadn't managed with the feat of hitting every single pothole in the state of Wyoming! My grandmother drives better than you and she's  _legally blind!_ " She accused.

"Maybe blindness runs in the family, because I bet that even  _Stevie Wonder_  has better aim than you! It's so easy to tell you're an organic, you're just innately  _inferior!_  I  _hate_  this planet and all of you squishies!"

"Then why the hell are you still here?!"

"Because Cybertron is dead!"

"A- _ha_! You  _need_ this planet more than I needyou! I never asked for a guardian, especially not _you!"_

"Bitch,  _please!_  If it wasn't for me, ye'd be a Decepticon  _fragtoy_  right now." He sneered at her.

"Well, maybe that wouldn't be all that bad! At least I wouldn't be forced to burn through packet after packet of batteries for my vibrator at an alarming pace just because I ain't  _getting the dick I deserve_!"

"Because that flightframe with the underclocked processor would be so  _interesting_  to hang out with!" 

"What, you mean  _Nitro_? That Con seriously has the _moves_ , he didn't  _need_  to kidnap me, trying that was just a miscalculation on his part _._  Seriously, I know why Enrique's wife let that tap her, I mean _damn!_ " She slid her hands over her breasts, down to her waist, throwing her head back dramatically, moaning exaggeratedly. "And his  _voice_." She moaned. "He can talk any girl into his berth and when you're there, you just don't _want_  to leave. He doesn't need to be smart for _that_ , if you get what I'm saying _._ "

"Why didn't you just  _join_  the Cons, then? Throw yourself on your back and spread your legs for all and sundry. You're so good at that." He gritted out.

"I heard something about a  _real_  aft that needed handling." She snarked.

Drift was looking back and forth between them, as if it was a tennismatch. Optimus Prime murmured something sounding suspiciously like " _Why do you fucking_ hate _me, Primus?_ ".

"I would not let you  _handle_  any part of me even with gloves, you Con-fucking  _freak_! Eew." Crosshairs gagged.

"So how are you going to get the dirt out of that ridiculous spoiler of yours tonight if I'm not allowed to touch you?  _You heinie._ " She bowed with a mocking flourish.

Crosshairs smirked wickedly. " _Tessa_  said she'd help." He blatantly rubbed his interface plate and cocked an optical ridge at her in challenge.

"Tessa?! Isn't that  _illegal_  in most states for  _at least_  another year?! And you  _hate_  organics!" Mikaela shouted, furious.

"I'm millions of years older than any of you bitches anyway, and she's so  _talented_  with her servos. I swear, when she rubs that bracket with her soft little digits, my optics will white out."

"It's  _her_  legal age that matters, you perverted fucking piece of junkyard refuse!" Mikaela snarled.

"For Primus sake, just get a fragging room and fuck each other's processors into reboot before you drive us all  _insane_!" Optimus bellowed.

Everything went quiet enough to hear a pin drop.

"Eew." Mikaela made a face.

"No fragging way!" Crosshairs optics were bright with alarm.

"That's just... _no_." Mikaela was shaking her head.

"So wrong." Crosshairs said to Mikaela.

"Yeah, I mean, it's just.... My squish factor?" She shrugged, seemingly at a loss.

"Nah, squish is fine. Still wrong though." He sounded weak.

"Totally. I mean, how would it even work?" She looked... _worried._

"I know. The size difference?" He tried.

"Manageable. But still... Nope, not happening." Mikaela crossed her arms.

"Oh look, you managed to get them to  _agree_  on something." Ratchet said in a light tone that to everyone who knew him was dripping with sarcasm.

"We're not agreeing!" Crosshairs defended them both.

"We're just saying the same thing at the moment." She agreed.

"It _is... whatever!_  Of course we will have similar opinions about this." He took her side.

"We're definitely not  _agreeing_ , though." Mikaela said with finality

 

Team Mikaela/Crosshairs-Optimus Prime 0-1

_Not agreeing, just... being of the same opinion?_


	6. Chapter 6

Another day at the shooting range saw Mikaela making more progress. The green aft was there, of course, making snarky comments and treading on her last nerve. 

" _Tessa_ shoots so much better than you."

" _Why_  does that matter to you?" She ground out, lowering her gun from where she was trying to focus on aiming.

"You're right. The only thing important is that she's good to aim  _into._  I'm giving her a  _ride_  later." Crosshairs leered.

Mikaela ground her teeth, a much too vivid picture flitting through her mind.

"Why do  _I_  need to know this?"

"Thought you might want to know where I'm sticking it. I mean, I am your guardian..." He smirked wickedly.

Mikaela's growl was drowned out when Hound skidded to a stop, a livid Cade jumping out from the passenger side.

"You touch my little girl, there won't be plating enough left to scrap you!" He snarled as he stalked over to Crosshairs, gun whining as it charged.

"Leave him alone!" Mikaela snarled back, surprising everyone by getting between the angry father and the mouthy bot, pushing Cade in the chest with surprising strength.

"Give me one good reason why I should? He's disrespecting everybody,  _you included..."_

"I can handle that myself, and I'm not exactly a sweetheart to him either." Mikaela interrupted.

"He's a drunk and he's lewd..."

"So am I!" She yelled before thinking it through. "Well, I mean, I drink some and you know... he mostly tells dirty jokes about me anyway..."  _Ok, that was not her best comeback._

"Well, now he's openly talking about planning to commit statutory rape with someone not even his own species! Explain to me _why_ we should let this bastard go home undamaged!" Cade was spittling when he screamed at her.

"Because he's _mine._ " She ground out through clenched teeth.

Nobody, human or Cybertronian, was prepared for her to spin around and in a fluid move raise her gun, the gun nobody hade noticed charging over the argument, and put a blast perfectly center mass on the Sniper.

Crosshairs servo came up to his dented armor, surprise written on his face even as he fell backwards by the force behind the blast. The green Bot hit the ground heavily.

"And I said  _nothing_  about leaving him undamaged." She spat, walking by the gaping man and the equally baffled Bots gathered. "You keep your filthy servos off of Tessa, you hear me?" She snarled at Crosshairs as she walked over to Ironhide.

"I  _knew_  he'd help you to learn how to shoot, just didn't imagine it going like this!" Ironhide cheered, fist-pumping in excitement.

"Neither did I. Would you mind giving me a ride back?" She looked up at the Weapons specialist.

"I'd be honored. That was one pit of a shot."

"It was, wasn't it." She grinned.

 

Uhm... Scoreboard inconclusive?

_Offense as defense?_


End file.
